For those unfamiliar with the terminology, I’m a Stay At Home Mum to one toddler girl. I’m not that inclined to become a mum of two just yet, the following may give some insight into why… Here’s a little run down of an average day, hopefully you’ll get to have a wee chuckle or two at my expense!
The day starts at 5:15am. Well it would wouldn’t it? Naughty Mummy decided to round off yesterday with a bottle of Prosecco (in my defence it was Thursday) so obviously getting up at bastard o’clock is the perfect way to kick start a tired-head-achey hangover.
Breakfast – provide several well balanced nutritious options, trudging back and forth to the fridge in between, each one received with “no Mummy, shoo!! bring ice cream!!” Eventually we settle on a bowl of dry coco pops followed by AN APPLE (you shall not defeat me, mwah ha haa!!).
Manage to get self and toddler washed and dressed relying heavily on the iPad and episodes of Peppa Pig. Only fail was toddler emptying her potty and covering the whole bathroom floor with piss. Who knew that such a seemingly small amount of liquid could spread so far? On the bright side there were no giant turds to accompany it.
Arrive at Monkey Music with the familiar sense of dread. It’s one of those groups where you have to all sit in a circle and well, basically behave, listen, and play instruments all at the same time. Possible scenarios range from total disengagement from ANY activity other than nose picking, pissing on the floor (I just love the ‘Russian roulette’ that is potty training), or just wanting to bash the shit out of all the instruments (I simply call this an enthusiastic appreciation for the art that is music). Thankfully today’s session was uneventful so I leave feeling like an awesome mother, totally in control, and super proud of my musical genius daughter (you really have to grasp the wins with both hands no matter how small).
Lunch – similar theme to breakfast, but with pasta sauce thrown (literally) in my face. This time we agree on a tapas style approach aka anything from the fridge that doesn’t contain sugar that she will agree to eat. Including olives strangely.
The afternoon kicks off with toddler finding a left over coco pop from breakfast and shoving it up her nose. I panic, naturally, and frantically search for the tweezers whilst imagining a very embarrassing trip to A&E where I have to explain that she’s going through some sort of weird nasal investigation phase and silently cursing my husband for always being at work when stuff like this happens. Twat. In the throws of an EPIC meltdown (turns out tweezers weren’t a good move) the offending pop emerges amongst the river of snot and tears.
Crisis over I decide the only way to salvage the day is to go to the park and get ice cream. So in a picture perfect scene we’re cruising through the park, toddler laughing as she races along on her bike, me trotting behind whilst enjoying the beauty of nature on a sunny day, taking in the fresh air, and putting the trauma of the ‘up the nose incident’ out of my mind. All this is abruptly ruined when she rides straight through a massive puddle and goes ankle deep in muddy-duck-shitty water. After shoes and socks have been removed (why don’t I EVER pack spare pairs of anything OR think to bring ANYTHING remotely useful with me??!) I carry her on one arm and the bike with the other, grit my teeth and walk FOR ABOUT TEN MILES back to the car.
Back home and head straight to Netflix for a Peppa Pig/Ben & Holly marathon to take us though to dinner time, which thankfully was more successful than breakfast and lunch because presumably she must’ve been quite hungry by then. Having got a whole Annabel Karmel Yummy Fish Pie down her I enjoy the rare flush of food victory and start to feel better (it helps that bedtime is tantalisingly close).
Bedtime – thank fuck for that. Pour a large vods and tonic (well it is Friday) and sit in bed scrolling through Facebook. I bloody love being a Mummy and tomorrow’s the weekend so Daddy gets to enjoy it all with me (or rather look after toddler whilst I hide in the kitchen behind the fridge door shoving Terry’s Chocolate Orange in my face).